Jimbob's Journal WORDS - page 2

 FINISH THIS

  

LEFT LANE MUST : pirouette
OPPOSING TRAFFIC HAS : spongy appendages
CAUTION -THIS VEHICLE : Emits strong cabbage-like odors / occasionally bursts into flame
.SECOND PLACE CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE : powerful electric shocks
THANKS FOR NOT : thanking me for what I haven't not done yet / Running amok with an assault rifle / Breathing / Farting in the elevator
IN CASE OF FIRE ; Don't blame us / Run like Hell
> TRUST ME : or I'll kill you / I'm a computer

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 PHILLY TAWK 

  

 > If you ever come to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, you'll need to know a few words and phrases : "caniva glassa wooder?" (can I have a glass of water) / godnee (have you got any..) / Dyiviny (do you have any) / Alls I'm sayin' is.. / Where the heldy go? / Mondee (Tuesdee..)
> Dah-wer (dollar) / Iggle (eagle) / crik (creek) / Laig (leg) / Hunnert (hundred) / Meera (mirror) / innit (isn't it) / Yo (hey) / Git (get) / Fowerd (forward) / Probly (probably) / discalmfert (discomfort) / Keller (color) / Wahl (while) / Omina (I'm going to) / Shewer (sure)

> Probly the most defining word in the Philly dialect is the word "go". It is pronounced "gew" (like "get" with a "w" instead of a "t"). The accent is also typified by a distinctive nasal twang. Denzel Washington made a valiant effort to capture it in the movie "Philadelphia", but didn't quite get it. It is similar in many respects to a new Brooklyn accent, but without the soft "R" (as in "New Yawk")

> I am told that what we in Philly call a "sliding board" is simply referred to elsewhere as a slide. True?

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IRONIES

  

Irony is God's sense of humor
> Beethoven went deaf.
> John Lennon wrote "Happiness is a Warm Gun"
> A Pacifist (Einstein) made possible the atomic bomb
> Ernest (grace under pressure) Hemingway committed suicide
>  Jesus was a Jew (I was 40 years old before I realized how funny that was)
> Nixon, obsessed with his place in history, became the only president to resign
> The writers and signers of the United States' vaunted documents of freedom "owned" slaves

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FAVORITE QUOTES

  

> Little strokes fell great oaks (Ben Franklin)
> "I been through the desert on a horse with no name" - Moses
> Genius without education is like silver in the mine (Ben Franklin)
> Knowledge is like rich soil, it can grow corn on weeds (Ben Franklin)
> Quarrels could never last long if on one side only lay the wrong (Ben Franklin)
 > "I don't obsess about keeping healthy. When i die, I want to be sick" (unknown)
> As long as our dreams are bigger than our memories, we will remain forever young (Bill Clinton)
> It was Gandhi (who actually had a full head of transparent hair) who said, "We are only vehicles for our hair"
> "The craftsman earns his keep by his expertise, but the artist invents his job" (Timothy White) To put it another way, Someone has to be president - no one had to be Beethoven
> I think it was FDR who said, "We have nothing to hide except possibly our genitals". In a similar vein, when the great vaudevillian George M. Cohan was asked what the secret of his show-biz success was, he immediately replied, "Never let'm see yer balls!"

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INSULTS / THREATS / CURSES

  

> At least I'm not you
> Here's a thought - Shaddup
> I'll kick your ass with my brain
> Pardon me, you're on my cloud
> I'll love you 'till the sky turns blue
> You should be in the idiot hall of fame
> I'm gld I'm only pretending to like you
> What's that sound? Oh, it's me not caring
> I'll rip your ears off and sell them as dog toys
> If morons had numbers, yours would be retired
> If stupidity was an Olympic event, you'd have a gold medal
> On behalf of myself, and the entire Partidge family, go to hell!
> Oh yeah? Well, you'll eat those words when the universe contracts
> There must be reincarnation - no one could get that ugly in one lifetime
> Hey, have you heard about the new dance ? it's called the GO AWAY!
> On an intelligence scale of one to one thousand and sixty four, you'd be a zero
Possible replies to "How do I look?"; Like part of your head is missing / like a prancing fop
- - - -
Expressions of Caring (NOT)
> Here's a shot of me not caring
> You are entering a no-care zone
> Take two aspirin and don't call me - ever
> On a clear day, you can almost see me not caring
> Thank you for giving me back the ability to not care
> Hey, if I scrunch up my rectum real tight, I can almost care
> Wow, that's great. Is this the part where I'm supposed to care?
> I'm really interested in what you're saying. Wait here a moment while I go get my hearing aid
- - - -
Courtroom Cuts: Move to strike your face / Move to strike your move to strike / Well, I object to your momma

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 TOASTS / GREETINGS / BLESSINGS 

  

> Run like a Shmoo
 > Happiness to all you touch
> Virtually Yours (salutation)
> I'm sorry that I'm not sorry (apology)
> My hair believes in you, and I trust my hair
> Christian greeting ; Have a great day - drop dead
> Bless you new key chain and everything that looks like it
> "Mr. President, Mister Speaker, Mister doorknob, Mrs. flower pot, Tonight, I celebrate my shoes" (pause for applause)
> I know you didn't mean all those nice things you said about me, but I'm touched that you went to the trouble to say them
> British curses that don't sound right in American: Sod it / You're daft

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 GIBBERISH 

  

> Spiritualists speak in tongues, babies babble, animals make all manner of cathartic, voluntary noises. Sound is my "thing". I believe in the therapeutic value of spontaneous, non-symbolic vocalization. It blazes new neural passageways, and can lead to Zen-like insights
 > My dictionary describes Gibberish as "meaningless speech; - nonsense". Well, what would you expect from the dictionary, the sacred repository of fixed language.
> My first language was gibberish. English was forced upon me later. Although I have learned to use American-English pragmatically and even come to admire its creative capabilities, gibberish is much more flexible
> People may say that, with my affinity for gibberish, I'm wishing humanity back to Babel, to living like crazy animals. All I can say to those people is "yaka bunanda"
> Do you have any idea how hard it is to run spell-check with a web site full of gibberish ?
> Some appropriate occasions for using gibberish : fright / pain / exasperation / surprise / executing a difficult traffic maneuver / stretching to reach for something / when speaking to panhandlers, rude or crazy people / to fend off attackers / to relieve stress / to offset vague malaise / to confuse the spirits / to mock the flesh
> Writing poetry in gibberish is real easy. You can always make it rhyme
> Spread the gospel - when someone asks, "what's your dog's name?", say something like, "Eeeaaaaablahoondar " (in a high pitched, whiny tone), and see if they repeat it. If you don't do this, you seriously run the risk of leading a life of quiet desperation
> Some of my many books on gibberish: Heal Yourself with Gibberish / Gibberish & the Law / Conversational Gibberish / Gibberish in Sign Language / Kosher Gibberish / Gibberish after 50 / Gibberish Light - Shorter Words for People in a Hurry
> Exercises: Improvise gibberish lyrics to well-known songs (I find the armed-forces' theme songs quite suitable)

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OLD QUOTE , NEW TWIST

  

>  I came, I saw, I came again
> The hell with the messenger, don't kill the message
> I have been to the mountaintop, and I've seen the other side .... it's pretty much like this side

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 SIGNS / BUMPER STICKERS 

  

> Lord on Board
> Ready, set, die
> Life is like . . .this
> Dying for Dollars
> Sports, not snorts
> Smile-you're dead
> Honk if you're stupid
> Ask me about SATAN
> Proud Parent of MYSELF
> America - armed for Good
> Stupidity is its own reward
> Please - don't feed the devil
> I brake for fuzzy memories
> I'm an anarchist - and I vote
> Smile - Beethoven loves you
> Look out rat race, here I come
> Kiss Me - I'm 1/16th Lithuanian
> Caution - life makes sudden turns
> Have you hugged yourself today ?
> Slow-moving vehicle (on a T-shirt)
>My child is an honor student - in bed
> Die in New Jersey - save two dollars
> Don't Blame Me - I voted for Myself
> Everything I know about life . . .I forgot
> Please leave a message (before you die)
> "Bloom where you're planted" (huge in Calcutta)
> Sign; "Entering oblivion - drive any way you want"
> Guns don't kill people - they just remove all the work
> Warning; Fence-riding can be hazardous to your balls
> Poster; Hippies Raising a giant flower on a hill (ala Iwo Jima)
> My child was assassin of the month at Quigley Middle School
> Some signs lie most of the time. For example, "Falling Rocks", "Deer Crossing"
> Pull here to open. Pull here to rage impotently against the mocking cardboard demon
> Some Asian-American business names; Nice Garden / Lovely Pizza / Pretty Photo / Happy Noodle / Super House / "Win A Lot" Restaurant
> Possible Advertising Slogans Jamaica - Come, Eat Our Young / Inferior Beverage Company - Have Pity on Us

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 OPERATIVE WORDS   

  

 Phrase

 Operative Word(s)

  

 All things in moderation

 All things

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 The universe is spun from nothingness

 Spun

  

 Show Business

 Business

  

 Wake up, Wise up

 Up

  

DEFINITIONS

  

> Now = Zen calendar
> Fly power = Veracity
> Passifist = retro-activist
Abundance = A bun dance
> New world order = Faith in freedom
> No further questions = Lawyer's epitaph
> Science = superstition with fewer variables
> Big Bang = God exploded (ala Humpty D.)
> Freak accident = Lizard-man crashes into bearded lady
> An example of "Symbiosis"; The elderly cat leaves turds under the grand piano where the lethargic human cannot comfortably retrieve them , but the enthusiastic dog eats them, thus completing a "symbiotic" relationship between the three animals

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SONG PARODIES

  

> The Expanding Universe Blues
> If I could put time in a barf-bag
> Good mornin' America, how are you / (..I'm drunk)
> Where have all the heroes gone / celebrity golf tournaments every one
> I'm All Shook Up: Well a-bless my soul, what's a-wrong with me / I'm as wacky as a monkey on LSD
> Hotel Pennsylvania: pretzels on the ceiling / mango water-ice / lots of stodgy stoic Amish dudes / sell you scrapple by the slice
> I see things of grey / amorphous objects / stuff that is fuzzy / and some that is not / and I say to myself / what a meaningless void

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CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR

  

I am the Dik-Dik (coo coo cachoo) / Catch 21 / Guitar Shuffle-Boogie

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